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For Such A Time As This

imageIv’e been thinking for a while to share with others so this is the beginning of this journey – so far I’ve had a full life full of some amazing moments, and some downright painful moments. I just want to share a bit about myself so you can get a feel for who I as a person, where I have been and where I feel I am heading.

Firstly God is what gets me through, gives me strength and guidance -the compass for my soul, the facilitator for my life -and there have been moments in my life where this hasn’t been so (more on that another time).

I have an amazing, gentle Godly husband (been together 2 years) – this is my 3rd marriage, yes 3rd after 2 painful marriages (which you will hear more about another time) and several painful relationships.

I have four children aged 23 my son and 3 girls aged 20, 15 and 8. one of my children has Autism and a psychotic illness which has  been a journey into deep, dark waters – with moments of unexpected joy also. I have an angel baby who is with the Lord and would be almost 17 now if she was here with us – the year I lost her was one of the hardest in my life. (more on that later)

I have 3 beautiful step-children  aged 16, 12 and 9. Blending a family with so many children and several with varying special needs has been a hard yet rewarding journey – sometimes giving my husband and I exhaustion we never thought imaginable but sometimes such unexpected moments of love and laughter.

I am just coming to the end of studying a diploma in Counselling and I also have a diploma in Children’s Services –  I’m just exploring what to do next. Maybe work as a play therapist? a pastoral care support worker? or counselor in another area? God knows – not me. I have just started a few subjects at Tabor to up some of my skills – I do love the adventure of learning.

I have worked in childcare for many years and  enjoyed this chapter of my life but I know soon a new chapter is beginning. This last year has seen me as a carer mainly for my daughter with special needs and that has been all consuming – I have always done it all – but have recently realized that getting support for her is not a failure on my part but a step forward in supporting her. ( but more on that later ).

I have been involved in many things over the years – in churches, in ministries, in organisations, jobs, relationships where I have been; where I needed to be – and many times where I really shouldn’t have been. I have a passion now for prison ministry – people in prison and people affected by this – but for a long time I was angry and never thought I would feel compassion for this -I feel it is ironic that this is where I find myself.

I have been on a journey where I need to learn to have quiet moments which is not easy for me as I love business – but stillness, quiet – is necessary – I have several chronic illness issues, have had cancer, 12 broken bones, and have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia – this has taken me on a journey that has been frustrating where I have felt I cant do everything i want to or that I think I need to.

Life throws so much at us all and we all have a story to tell, I want to share some of my story – to invite others to share with me – to inspire and encourage you to be the best you can be.

“For such a time as this” Esther 4:14

Blessings Skye x

Flowers

Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagerising or copying it  without permission in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog  is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller  / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner.

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Love the Skin your In!

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  I brought this painting many years ago at an art show and later learned a neighbour had painted it – I brought it as it reminded me of my own body shape (except my breasts are smaller!!), I could have posed for this. “There is beauty in all things”

Today someone asked me if I was pregnant – not to be rude but because they wanted to help me with something. I could have been embarrassed, angry or ashamed but I wasn’t – I just laughed and said “no that’s my food baby, mainly cake”. She seemed mortified for a minute till I told her I worked in schools and have been asked this many times by small children. She laughed and it was a light moment.

  I thought about it after – I am curvy, very curvy, and I weigh the most I ever have at the moment.  I am not advocating ill health or obesity. I wish to lose weight for my health but not for my self worth. I did not feel any less because of my body shape.
Beauty should be that of your inner self… Proverbs 3:4a

It has carried babies, recovered from cancer, survived childhood abuse and domestic violence. It has been broken and bruised and come back every time.

Self-worth, self love, self confidence and who we are as people comes from deeper in ones soul, deeper than skin deep. God is my strength and gives me the calm and peace to do and be the best I can be. What is your strength and calm?
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;  But a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

You are worth the best,

you are kind,

you are special,

you are smart,

you are beautiful just as you are,

you are funny,

you are a delight,

you have an infectious laugh,

your smile lights up a room,

your eyes twinkle with fun,

you are You.

There is only one of you

and unless another person

sees your worth

and sees all these things in you –

treating you with love,

respect,

care,

gentleness,

patience,

compassion,

honestly

and faithfulness –

YOU ARE ENOUGH!! 💕 💕

You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Songs 4:7

Blessings Skye xx

Flowers

  • Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagerising or copying it  without permission in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog  is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller  / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner

FEAR WILL NOT CONQUER ME

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After my 3rd ambulance trip towards the end of 2018 I felt gripped by fear about my health, my future, my childrens care, what I can do… And then I remembered John 14vs27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” and Matthew 6vs34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” and 2 Timothy 1vs7 “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” So I decided to trust God and not be frozen in fear – Feeling a bit dizzy still and with a cold I decided to go for a swim in the lake on holiday the day after my 3rd ambulance trip. I love to swim – still got life to live!! So I walked to the lake – had to sit down a few times but I had s lovely swim:-)

Now at the end of 2020 I am reminded of this moment last year. A few months ago I had my first abnormal test result after 8 years cancer free, and the old fear gripped me, the panic and anxiety of the unknown. Yesterday the doctor called me in and I felt panicked and then I felt reminded that I have “the peace that passes all understanding” which means when in the eyes of this world I should be stressed and scared I can trust God to give me his peace. I went to the doctor and thankfully all is good – but I would like to think that I can find peace in God regardless of the storms that rage around me.

Blessings Skye X

Flowers

Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagerising or copying it  without permission in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog  is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller  / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner.

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Do I dare post this??

  1. 0F23281C-EA93-4056-9247-552BD51774EEDo I dare post this?? 

With the election recently there have been many emotive topics discussed loudly, aggressively and disrespectfully – it has caused discomfort and sadness for many.

I feel like we have lost our way with the way we treat each other and freedom of speech, that we cannot speak our minds anymore without fear of attack, abuse and loss of relationships.

I respect everyone’s right to think for themselves – and I have people I love who stand strongly in views opposing mine which is fine. We all come from our own place and our own experience.

Recently around my table I had several people – some very right wing who voted Liberal, some more left who voted Greens, 2 for Pauline Hanson, an atheist, several agnostics, a Jehovah’s Witness and a Christian – there were pro life, pro choice, someone who has had an abortion and we discussed the election, the political issues including the pro life / choice debate with respect, care and love for each other.

I am pro-life, I do not think different of you if you are pro-choice. I do not judge you, but I wish to be free to speak my mind too.

My views are my own – I believe all life is precious, and starts at conception. My mother was going to abort me as she has told me on more than one occasion, when she went to get the abortion it was to late with the laws as they were back then – but with the law now it wouldn’t have been – she had me in her mid teens – she was not a good mother, I was born drug addicted, had some awful childhood experiences at her hands and neglect – but I am glad I am here

I have had 10 pregnancies to get 4 children and losses at various stages of pregnancy. I have had 2 children who were 10 and 9 weeks early – perfect, living and breathing. I gave birth to a baby girl at nearly 20 weeks, she had perfect rose bud lips, eyelashes, fingers and toes with tiny nails, still and lifeless. I have a daughter who has Autism and lives a full life, a life worth living. My childhood was spent in and out of foster care while my sister was adopted out and loved by a family who couldn’t have children.

I am the 1 in  6 who have been sexually and physically abused as a child.

I am the 1 in  5 who have been raped.

I am the 1 in 6 to experience physical and sexual violence from a partner.

Family, domestic and sexual violence in Australia, 2018, Summary – Australian …https://www.aihw.gov.au › contents › su…

I have been in foster care.

I have abused in care.

I am not the 1 in 4 who has had an abortion – do I not count?

I am not against Roe vs Wade, I’m not anti the morning after pill – I have taken it. I know there are circumstances of mental health, rape and pregnancy of the young that need to be considered. But late term abortions, using it as a contraception, and the slippery slope we as a society are on should concern us. Yes we have body autonomy, but we should be making responsible choices and decisions.

These lives matter, all lives matter.

Photo shared above – one of my children born at 31 weeks.

Flowers

Blessings Skye X

Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagerising or copying it  without permission in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog  is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller  / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner.

We are God’s creation – of worth, saved by Grace

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Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the LORD.” My sweetest friends, make the time to be still in the crazy busyness of modern day life. God is a God of grace – remember this next time you don’t feel worthy or make what you feel is a mistake, a bad choice, or a wrong turn – we all have these moments, we all know how this feels. It reminds me of my GPS, sometimes when I drive past the street I’m heading towards and it says ‘wrong way, go back’ – I have to be listening to make the adjustment to get where I’m heading if I want to reach my destination. There are other times when I’m heading somewhere and my GPS offers me a quicker, easier option, that I may not have noticed – with God we can always redirect our course to focus on him (Psalm 37:23 “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delight in him”).  God’s love is unconditional full stop, no debate, and nothing to fear (1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love”). God is waiting to pour out his love on us not his punishment!! If your heart is like mine and it is for the people in your life and you want to bless them  remind them of their value and worth to God and to you – or just hold them close to your heart quietly in prayer and love (Women can pray and be God’s powerhouse – Mary the mother of Jesus, the Samaritan woman by the well, Elizabeth, Sarah, Naomi & Ruth, Esther (Esther 4:15-16), Deborah, Hannah, Anna, Abigail, Manoah”s wife, The wise woman of Tekoa (2 Samuel 14:12 – 13), Wise woman of Abel-Bethmaach (2 Samuel 20:16-21), The Shunammite Woman ( 2 Kings 4:9-10), Mary Magdalene, Pricilla and I’m sure there are others as well!! “My Lord – I love the person who is reading this and I wante to share and give you a moment to hear this and breathe, remember to be still – God has a perfect time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3). I want their life to be amazing, blessed beyond their wildest dreams, full of joy and your peace when the pain comes (Psalm 30:1-5 “joy comes in the morning”). Let your word be a light under their feet guiding rhem in their journey through life (Psalm 119:105). Protect them always, hold them in your safe hands when the storms of life hit. Let rhem know they are never alone – you will hide them in your love and protect them (Psalms 34:8) let them know when they walk with You, they will always be safe. Amen”. You are of worth, you are smart, kind, beautiful and important – God created you “you are fearfully and wonderfully made” Psalm 139:14. When life feels overwhelming remember the betrayal of others last but a moment but the grace and mercy of God lasts an eternity

Flowers

Blessings Skye X

Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagerising or copying it  without permission in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog  is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller  / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner.

Just Breathe

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens: 
Ecclesiastes 3:1

What has your week looked like, your month? Is every day busy? Are you running from one thing to the next? Is your paperwork a pile of crazy? your emails in the 1000’s, washing piling up, children, appointments, work commitments, life feeling insane with busyness.

This has been me lately – sometimes I forget to take the time I need, to focus on self-care – then I start to feel easily irritated, anxious or easily annoyed. Exhaustion kicks in and my health declines… this is a reminder to slow down, take time for myself (which I haven’t been doing!! And now I’m struggling / sick / have hit a wall).

We are all busy – we live in a culture full of fast food, information at the touch of a button, microwave food in minutes that isn’t quick enough! We work, want our children to do music, dance and sport because we don’t want them to miss out. As women (and some men) we want the right to work, raise the children and have time to eat well and work out!! When we don’t meet the standards we set for ourselves, that we feel society sets for us we can fall in a heap, feel like failures, sit in pile of exhaustion, depression and anxiety.

This is not how we are called to live – the bible talks about a time for everything – and at different stages of life we will give different parts of our life priority – and part of feeling like we are where we need to be is excepting that it is ok not to have to do it all, not to have it all together all the time.

When my children were all small I chose to stay home with them and do the playgroup, hang out with other mums, go to Mothers Of Preschoolers thing, that’s what I wanted to do so I did. But if I had wanted to go back to work I would have and that would have been ok too. It’s not about one right way or feeling guilt for the choices we make – it’s about respecting each other’s journey and choices and taking the time to breathe along the way. At other times study has been important (now having two diplomas and several certificates under my belt), at other times my health or someone else’s health have taken centre stage – what happens is not always what we choose.

But take the time to breathe, to sit in the sunshine, relax in the bubble bath, binge watch your favourite shows, read your favourite books (my bible is one of mine) – enjoy your own company. You are unique, special, loved, important. And part of self- care is to keep up-to-date with looking after your health, home, and bills. Mothers day is coming – get there refreshed, renewed – So even if hubby forgets it’s mothers day, or theres no hubby to forget, or the kids burn the toast and argue all day or your babies are in heaven, – you can sit in peace, rest, smile and enjoy the small things. Remember even Jesus withdrew for his own time.

Yet he (Jesus) frequently withdrew to the wilderness to pray.. Luke 5:16. 

Blessings Skye x

Flowers

Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagiarising or copying it without permisssion in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner.

Sensuality & Sexuality

A lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Proverbs 5:19 ESV 

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Sex, Eros, Intimacy….. what goes on behind closed 🚪 doors. It is everywhere – the internet, the media, bill boards, magazines, television – it is used to sell products, to interest us in TV shows, to entice us to buy a type of car, eat a certain chocolate, listen to certain music. Generally we don’t go through a day without seeing or hearing sexual innuendo, living in a society that is saturated by sex – now we have groups for sexual addiction, instead of male or female – we are told ‘be whatever you want to be’ which comes with so many choices. With all this freedom and choice that must mean everyone is comfortable with their own sexuality, their own bodies, everyone must have great sex lives right?

Sexual means – relating to the instincts, physiological processes, and activities connected with physical attraction or intimate physical contact between individuals.  (google search, sexual means).

Wrong – unfortunately many people are desensitised by the sexual saturation around us – so if our partner don’t look like a model, perform like a porn star then we lose interest – the intimacies and familiarity in a relationship that should draw people closer for many feels boring as it is not like the TV series where it is exciting, fresh and new every episode. Our sexuality can be damaged by trauma and abuse where being intimate with someone can trigger memories, shame and distress. Others can carry guilt and shame – connected to past relationships that we bring with us into new ones. The intimacy that comes with sex connects us on a spiritual level – and can cause damage when we give it out to anyone.

Over the years I have heard many stories where what goes on behind closed doors is not working. Women who have been abused and hate their own body, have trauma triggers, and hate intimacy or complete disconnection where sex with strangers means nothing as they don’t even feel present. Men who cannot have sex or get aroused without levels of porn to get them there. Marriages where sex just fizzles out – “we had kids”, “we got busy”, “he works lots”, “I’m so tired”…. “we had lots of sex early on but not now”.

We are holistic beings – body, mind and spirit. Our sexuality is part of us – an important part of us and like everything else in life and in our relationships – it needs to be nurtured, worked on.

If your relationship or if you are struggling in this area then there are some things that can help –

Get in touch with your sensuality (not your sexuality) your sensuality is  “the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure. synonyms: sexiness, sexual attractiveness, voluptuousness, sultriness, seductiveness, passion; the condition of being pleasing or fulfilling to the senses.”life can dazzle with its sensuality, its colour”. (google search sensuality).

Sensuality can be connected to sex, it can lead to sex or it can be expressed in many other ways that can create intimacy – using our senses. Try engaging with your partner in this way – remember dating when all your senses were aware of the other person, when their hand touched yours and it was electric.  If the bedroom is causing issues because it’s triggering trauma, it’s been so long you don’t know where to start, it isn’t a priority anymore then try and go back to dating, spending time together without the pressure of sex, spending time creating intimate moments that put love in the love bank. Have a massage together, give each other a massage without any expectations,  skinny dip somewhere alone! Have a midnight picnic on your bed, go out and ‘meet’ at a cafe as if for the first time. Make time for each other – the kids, the family, and work are important, so are our leisure activities, volunteer and church commitments but our relationship with our significant other – our intimate connection is important as well.

Make a space (if you can) that is for the two of you only – a bedroom covered in kids toys, kids DVDs, chips in the bed and kids in the bed all the time makes it hard to connect. Remember the person you fell in love with, thinking about them so you couldn’t sleep, texting about nothing and everything till all hours of the morning. God made us body (physical / sensual / sexual), soul (who we are / personality / passions / friendship) and spirit (Connection)  Enjoy who God made you to be and remember God created our sensuality and our sexuality – stay connected, be friends with your lover.

* If you are struggling with trauma, sexual dysfunction / issues, guilt / shame about your sexuality – see a doctor or therapist – this is not in place of those supports.

Blessings Skye x

Flowers

Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagiarising or copying it without permission in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner.

Only Western society needs a word like DECLUTTER!

I was talking to some teens recently about our society and I came to a question, a notion really – we live in such a fast pace, materialistic, state of consummerism – where we have more than we need (generally), we waste constantly, take all our modern anemeties forgranted, we have fast food (which isn’t fast enough), microwave meals (that aren’t fast enough), fake hair, breasts, tans, nails (which I enjoy from time to time) and more… what is too much? When is enough ENOUGH?

I have spent at least two years trying to declutter my life – we have 5 children still at home so it’s no easy feat! But I go through each room at least twice a year and get rid of clothes, DVDs, books, toys, ornaments, furniture, electrical, kitchen plastics, and whatever I don’t need… before they start to pile up again. It has become my cycle of living that causes me stress – I can’t relax properly in my home as there are too many things, it’s too busy – I have to much.

The other thing I try to do regularly is be still – my life becomes cluttered with busyness – I’m involved in meaningful pursuits, some of those pursuits even help others but I lose myself in busyness – so I feel like I’m drowning in “I should be doing this”, “I need to do that”. So I regularly try to evaluate my life and the things I do And try to remember why I was created – Matthew 6:33 (ESV) But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

So what is clutter?? Cambridge English dictionary says “a collection of things lying about in an untidy state” (how my home / belongings feel) and thefreedictionary.com says “a confused or disordered state or collection” (this is how busyness / my mind feels when I’m too busy). As I was talking to my teen friends I realised that probably only Western society needs a word like declutter! I’m in a group that is for people trying to declutter – it’s where we share ideas, what’s working and not working – it’s like a support group for people addicted to clutter. This led me to think about –

What is excess?? As we definitely have it – Google dictionary says “an amount of something that is more than necessary, permitted or desirable”, thefreedictionary.com says “lack of moderation especially in eating or drinking”, “immoderate indulgence” or “the state of exceeding what is normal or proper”.  This linked to clutter – we indulge in what we don’t need, we have a huge obesity epidemic (and I’m speaking for myself to), we overindulge as a society and have too much – Alcoholics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, new gyms and fad diets starting every other week, sex addict groups. How can we as a society change our thinking – the bible says Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I read this and think wow I worry about so many things, have enough clothes to wear a different outfit every day for the next 2 years, enough DVDs that I may never leave the couch again, so much stuff! I want a life that is uncluttered from materialism, busyness, and a mind that trusts God and is uncluttered from worry. And I also want to say I know what it’s like to have little, I have experienced poverty (from a westernised view) and been homelesshaving very little – but I could still access food, water, and things that not everyone around the world always has access  to. But what I love about life is my faith in a God, the safety I feel in my relationships – this is what really matters to me .

Jesus lived a life travelling from place to place – trusting God to provide his needs, Jesus knew This truth Philippians 4:19 (NIV)19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

I guess he was one of the first minimalists – What is minimalism?? One http://www.dictionary.com says “something that is characterized by extreme spareness and simplicity”.  Oh for a simple life – life can be soooo stressful – I find cleaning all we own, keeping it maintained, dusting, washing, chasing everything exhausting, the more ‘material’ things I have, the more busy I am – the more tired and stressed I am. My prayer is God gives me what I need not always what I think I want!

Blessings Skye x

Flowers

Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagiarising or copying it without permission in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner.

Unexpected Roads part 3. 🌹

🌹 As a young girl I planned my life – not having a fabulous upbringing, or even a safe upbringing I had dreams of how my life would look. Once I was in control! I would get married to my Prince Charming who would save me and the I would have 2 children – a boy first (which I had) and a girl second (which I had) by age 25, which I did.  Now being older I look back at what life gave me which was a very different picture with many unexpected twists and turns in the road – extreme joys, moments of bliss even – before plunging me into the depths of despair. But God has always been with me – there have been moments where I’ve felt shame, guilt, bitterness, anger and sorrow that I have moved away from God and felt alone. But God has always been there – “…Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you…” Hebrews 13:11.  So 10 pregnancies I had in total – I had 4 live births (2 were 10 weeks early), 1 child still born – a precious tiny baby Rhianna – and 4 miscarriages. Each experience has effected me differently –

🌹 I want to share about my little girl Rhianna – born to early, still born, dead, words I couldn’t say for a long time. Rhianna would have been 18 last September, and there is still grief and sadness for a life she never lived – no first steps, first birthday, first day of school, no last day of school, formal, first kiss, wedding day or baby of her own – it’s a life never lived and I grieved for the loss – the expectations I had for the sweet human growing inside of me,  but I now have mostly peace and joy for my faith and my belief that she is in heaven waiting to meet me with all my babies taken too soon, that for whatever reason my Heavenly Father knew best. “For you created my innermost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb” Psalm 139:13. 

🌹 I remember holding Rhianna for over an hour after her birth. I wanted to sit there for ever, it felt like time stood still as I sunk into the grief that she was gone. It was a strenuous birth – as tiny babies who pass sometime during delivery do not help the birth process, my body felt like it was betraying me as I had to do all the work knowing that at the end I wouldn’t hear the delightful cry of my newborn but there would just be deafening silence and stillness as I held my daughter dead – who was warm and soft but slowly turned to an in-natural cool. She was knit together perfectly – tiny with pearlescent skin and a reddish hue – almost seethrough, with a tiny 🌹 rosebud mouth and long eyelashes, the smallest toe and fingernails I could imagine – I don’t know what I was expecting but she was a perfect miniature little girl – I have known people who have had terminations further along than this – did people realise what they were doing?

🌹 Going back a bit Rihanna’s  pregnancy was a planned event during a very turbulous time in my life – I had a very abusive partner who I unconsciously hoped would treat me differently if I had his child. But during the pregnancy I had a lot of stress, was in a abusive situation – was held hostage – and generally very sick (as I am with all my pregnancies). Life wasn’t turning out as I planned and looking back I think I was hanging by a thread but unbeknown to me I was about to have a moment where the grief, loss and what I expected were going to throw my world into a tailspin. My decision to harden my heart against God and switch off, disconnect my communication from my Heavenly Father would compound my grief.

🌹 I was very sick, trying to rest, having 2 children aged 6 and 4 who needed to go to school, kindy, & play dates – living in fear, hypervigilance – with a highly aggressive, unstable partner – to scared to leave – not fear for what he would do to me but fear of what he could do to those I loved (more about that about her time). I was taking a high dose of anti-depressants to cope with my life. Anyway the pregnancy was going ok, and I started getting pains, felt like early labour pains, the dr said it was just my uterus adjusting – I was almost half way – to a stage that they now can save babies, but nearly 20 years ago it wasn’t heard of for babies to survive that early.

🌹 I started to leak fluid and I knew the smell – it was my waters, the water that protects my baby. I was admitted to hospital to try and stop it from getting worse – was given medication to help the pregnancy continue.

🌹 I have had a framed picture in my home since I was about 19 – it was a copy of a very old painting of a field, trees, a woman in a flowing dress… serene, beautiful – the room I had at the hospital had the same picture in it. For me it was a sign, a sign I believed from God that my baby would be ok. I felt like God was reassuring me that he was in control, he was with me, that I wasn’t alone – and God was, he WAS in control, he WAS with me, I WASN’T alone – but it didn’t mean she would be ok – I was clutching at “signs” to keep going. “The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9. Just because I had one thought it doesn’t mean it was what a God had planned. I went to sleep that night in the hospital and awoke in the morning to a strange sensation – going to the toilet I realised that Rhianna had dropped – and there would be no stopping it now.

🌹 After she was delivered I found out I had an infection Strp B usually contracted from a partner and yes he had been sleeping with many other people – I didn’t even have anything left to contemplate that betrayal. Step B doesn’t effect much except your waters can break early if pregnant.  I left the hospital I was numb, disconnected – my dr gave me a sedative to help me to cope. My dr said “just have 2 days in 7 where you don’t take 1 and then you won’t become dependant on them”…. I just took them till I could cope with the pain… dependant, addicted I became. Then my dr said “let’s just deal with the grief and then we will look at the addiction”. The sedatives numbed the grief, numbed my life, helped me block out the abuse – it was not a natural way to handle my pain, my grief – we all have moments when we grieve and we progress through the emotions – back and forth – sorrow, anger, denial, acceptance – but I didn’t move through these for several years as I numbed it all with sedation – which numbed the bad stuff but also the good feelings, emotions as well. God says there is a season for everything – “a time tco weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to 💃 dance…” Ecclesiastes 3:4. I didn’t allow the grief to come, to feel how the loss effected me, and I felt like the dance, the laughter didn’t  re-enter my life for some time.

🌹 When I look back contemplating who she may have been as an 18 year old I see that time heals, she will always be part of me – but by the grace of God I keep living, keep loving and keep giving. God has been the healing in my life, blessed me with more children and now step-children, soon children-in-law which I’m sure will be followed by grand-children. My quiver is full and I am blessed. I don’t believe God ‘took’ her from me, he allowed it to happen and I can’t answer why, but I’ve grown, trusted God more, and know he has a plan for me, plans for my good, not evil, to give me a future and a hope… (Jeremiah 29:11).

Blessings Skye x

Flowers

 

 

Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagiarising or copying it without permission in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner.

 

Embrace the Change (and other New Years Resolutions)

As this year is close to ending I have just been re-reading my Bible Study fellowship notes on Revelation that I did in 2016 and am starting to feel challenged for 2017… in a way that is different than my average “New Years Resolutions”. I do want to eat better, go to bed earlier (it’s 2:20am), and seriously exercise more!! But it’s more than that.

2016 was all about “changes” for me –

Change – the act or process wherein something becomes different.

Change of lifestyle – to not just say ‘yes’ to every random thing I was asked to do – but to consider my time, my families time, what I have to give and what my limitations were. Was I being asked to do something that would benefit someone else more if they did it for themselves? To think about my ‘yes’, and to try and not live in guilt for my ‘no’.

“Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you, 1 Peter 5:7”

The above change was influenced by changes to my health – having fibromyalgia, where I knew I needed to look at how I do things and use my time differently.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13” 

Changes for my children – more than one huge issue affecting my children this year which of course effected me – as that is what being a parent is about – this year saw me become a carer as one of my children started open access (doing school at home) – this has been a huge change for her but also to how I ‘do’ life – she is with me or close by most of the time – and I have had to navigate how to be available for her needs, meet my own and those of my new husband and family.

“Children are a heiritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him, Psalm 127:3”

Change in my environment – a big move so new suburb, far away from what I knew – new shops, new streets, new schools, new workplaces (but same job) – it can be exciting, but also isolating when nothing is familiar and it took time for my girls and I to settle into this – we are still adjusting.

“For I know the plans I have for you”, says the Lord,  Jeremiah 29:11″

New churches – this isn’t as easy as it sounds – we are a large family and finding a ‘fit’ for all of us so we are fed, challenged, feel at home, and can offer something is a working progress – a great youth, but no children’s church or awesome children’s church and 3 youth… I know we will end up where we are meant to be if we persevere and keep looking… and I know that being with my husband, children or friends can be ‘church’ as we are the church here to live our lives as an example to others – not a sinless, judging example but as a grace covered sinful human being called to care for all.

“Seek God with all your heart, Jeremiah 29:13”

Getting married, becoming a ‘blended family’ so a huge change in family dynamics. Iv’e never been a step-mother before, my husband has never been a step-father, our children learning to live together and share our time with all their needs, has definitely been interesting. As the verse says love – we have learnt to breathe and love – not always in perfect unity – but to bring this many together and ‘blend’ at our age – love has led to listening and compromise.

“And above all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity, Colossians 3:14” 

Change of job for the new year – I have been working in childcare for a long time and now I’m going into something new for 2017 that encompasses my faith as well as being my job – a pastoral care support worker. I’m nervous and excited for what this will bring into my life and what I will be able to offer others.

“Forget the former things, I am doing a new thing, Isaiah 48:13, 19” 

When I look at this list (and I’m sure there would be more if I kept writing) I am brought to 2017 which for me is about “embracing” the changes from 2016 –

2017 “embracing” –

settling into the changes, the new roles, embracing my new environment, embracing my new marriage, blended family, embracing my role as a pastoral care worker… I realise I’m living the changes and they all feel like my life now – I went through the process where things in my life became different which also initiated internal processes that caused changes to the way I see the world.  But I’m excited that I can “embrace” them, I’m ready for 2017

Embrace – the act of accepting something willingly or enthusiastically, To hold close, in affection…. 

I am challenged to remember that I’m not here just to live each day knowing that I am going to a better place (heaven) so now doesn’t matter – but to be motivated by the knowledge of the heavenly future I believe is in store to live a Godly life now. Now is the time to be committed to living a Godly life, honouring God in my actions, attitudes and choices. God directs us to live holy and to be a witness so that the world may see Christ in us. I have had a very long journey to get here, to think this way and not every day is easy, or filled with constant joy and ☀️  and 🍭- but when it feels crap, hard or I start to sink in a hole – I try to come back to this –

“God is within her, she will not fall. Psalm 46:6”

Blessings Skye X

Flowers

Copyright © Skye Keller and skyelarkblog, 2016 > onwards. Using any part of this material, plagerising or copying it without permission in writing from Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is strictly forbidden. A link to it or an excerpt can be used as long as the author Skye Keller / Skyelarkblog is given credit / acknowledgement and it is used in context as it is written, in a respectful manner.

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