🌹 As a young girl I planned my life – not having a fabulous upbringing, or even a safe upbringing I had dreams of how my life would look. Once I was in control! I would get married to my Prince Charming who would save me and the I would have 2 children – a boy first (which I had) and a girl second (which I had) by age 25, which I did. Now being older I look back at what life gave me which was a very different picture with many unexpected twists and turns in the road – extreme joys, moments of bliss even – before plunging me into the depths of despair. But God has always been with me – there have been moments where I’ve felt shame, guilt, bitterness, anger and sorrow that I have moved away from God and felt alone. But God has always been there – “…Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you…” Hebrews 13:11. So 10 pregnancies I had in total – I had 4 live births (2 were 10 weeks early), 1 child still born – a precious tiny baby Rhianna – and 4 miscarriages. Each experience has effected me differently –
🌹 I want to share about my little girl Rhianna – born to early, still born, dead, words I couldn’t say for a long time. Rhianna would have been 18 last September, and there is still grief and sadness for a life she never lived – no first steps, first birthday, first day of school, no last day of school, formal, first kiss, wedding day or baby of her own – it’s a life never lived and I grieved for the loss – the expectations I had for the sweet human growing inside of me, but I now have mostly peace and joy for my faith and my belief that she is in heaven waiting to meet me with all my babies taken too soon, that for whatever reason my Heavenly Father knew best. “For you created my innermost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb” Psalm 139:13.
🌹 I remember holding Rhianna for over an hour after her birth. I wanted to sit there for ever, it felt like time stood still as I sunk into the grief that she was gone. It was a strenuous birth – as tiny babies who pass sometime during delivery do not help the birth process, my body felt like it was betraying me as I had to do all the work knowing that at the end I wouldn’t hear the delightful cry of my newborn but there would just be deafening silence and stillness as I held my daughter dead – who was warm and soft but slowly turned to an in-natural cool. She was knit together perfectly – tiny with pearlescent skin and a reddish hue – almost seethrough, with a tiny 🌹 rosebud mouth and long eyelashes, the smallest toe and fingernails I could imagine – I don’t know what I was expecting but she was a perfect miniature little girl – I have known people who have had terminations further along than this – did people realise what they were doing?
🌹 Going back a bit Rihanna’s pregnancy was a planned event during a very turbulous time in my life – I had a very abusive partner who I unconsciously hoped would treat me differently if I had his child. But during the pregnancy I had a lot of stress, was in a abusive situation – was held hostage – and generally very sick (as I am with all my pregnancies). Life wasn’t turning out as I planned and looking back I think I was hanging by a thread but unbeknown to me I was about to have a moment where the grief, loss and what I expected were going to throw my world into a tailspin. My decision to harden my heart against God and switch off, disconnect my communication from my Heavenly Father would compound my grief.
🌹 I was very sick, trying to rest, having 2 children aged 6 and 4 who needed to go to school, kindy, & play dates – living in fear, hypervigilance – with a highly aggressive, unstable partner – to scared to leave – not fear for what he would do to me but fear of what he could do to those I loved (more about that about her time). I was taking a high dose of anti-depressants to cope with my life. Anyway the pregnancy was going ok, and I started getting pains, felt like early labour pains, the dr said it was just my uterus adjusting – I was almost half way – to a stage that they now can save babies, but nearly 20 years ago it wasn’t heard of for babies to survive that early.
🌹 I started to leak fluid and I knew the smell – it was my waters, the water that protects my baby. I was admitted to hospital to try and stop it from getting worse – was given medication to help the pregnancy continue.
🌹 I have had a framed picture in my home since I was about 19 – it was a copy of a very old painting of a field, trees, a woman in a flowing dress… serene, beautiful – the room I had at the hospital had the same picture in it. For me it was a sign, a sign I believed from God that my baby would be ok. I felt like God was reassuring me that he was in control, he was with me, that I wasn’t alone – and God was, he WAS in control, he WAS with me, I WASN’T alone – but it didn’t mean she would be ok – I was clutching at “signs” to keep going. “The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9. Just because I had one thought it doesn’t mean it was what a God had planned. I went to sleep that night in the hospital and awoke in the morning to a strange sensation – going to the toilet I realised that Rhianna had dropped – and there would be no stopping it now.
🌹 After she was delivered I found out I had an infection Strp B usually contracted from a partner and yes he had been sleeping with many other people – I didn’t even have anything left to contemplate that betrayal. Step B doesn’t effect much except your waters can break early if pregnant. I left the hospital I was numb, disconnected – my dr gave me a sedative to help me to cope. My dr said “just have 2 days in 7 where you don’t take 1 and then you won’t become dependant on them”…. I just took them till I could cope with the pain… dependant, addicted I became. Then my dr said “let’s just deal with the grief and then we will look at the addiction”. The sedatives numbed the grief, numbed my life, helped me block out the abuse – it was not a natural way to handle my pain, my grief – we all have moments when we grieve and we progress through the emotions – back and forth – sorrow, anger, denial, acceptance – but I didn’t move through these for several years as I numbed it all with sedation – which numbed the bad stuff but also the good feelings, emotions as well. God says there is a season for everything – “a time tco weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to 💃 dance…” Ecclesiastes 3:4. I didn’t allow the grief to come, to feel how the loss effected me, and I felt like the dance, the laughter didn’t re-enter my life for some time.
🌹 When I look back contemplating who she may have been as an 18 year old I see that time heals, she will always be part of me – but by the grace of God I keep living, keep loving and keep giving. God has been the healing in my life, blessed me with more children and now step-children, soon children-in-law which I’m sure will be followed by grand-children. My quiver is full and I am blessed. I don’t believe God ‘took’ her from me, he allowed it to happen and I can’t answer why, but I’ve grown, trusted God more, and know he has a plan for me, plans for my good, not evil, to give me a future and a hope… (Jeremiah 29:11).
Blessings Skye x
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