A lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Proverbs 5:19 ESV
Sex, Eros, Intimacy….. what goes on behind closed 🚪 doors. It is everywhere – the internet, the media, bill boards, magazines, television – it is used to sell products, to interest us in TV shows, to entice us to buy a type of car, eat a certain chocolate, listen to certain music. Generally we don’t go through a day without seeing or hearing sexual innuendo, living in a society that is saturated by sex – now we have groups for sexual addiction, instead of male or female – we are told ‘be whatever you want to be’ which comes with so many choices. With all this freedom and choice that must mean everyone is comfortable with their own sexuality, their own bodies, everyone must have great sex lives right?
Sexual means – relating to the instincts, physiological processes, and activities connected with physical attraction or intimate physical contact between individuals. (google search, sexual means).
Wrong – unfortunately many people are desensitised by the sexual saturation around us – so if our partner don’t look like a model, perform like a porn star then we lose interest – the intimacies and familiarity in a relationship that should draw people closer for many feels boring as it is not like the TV series where it is exciting, fresh and new every episode. Our sexuality can be damaged by trauma and abuse where being intimate with someone can trigger memories, shame and distress. Others can carry guilt and shame – connected to past relationships that we bring with us into new ones. The intimacy that comes with sex connects us on a spiritual level – and can cause damage when we give it out to anyone.
Over the years I have heard many stories where what goes on behind closed doors is not working. Women who have been abused and hate their own body, have trauma triggers, and hate intimacy or complete disconnection where sex with strangers means nothing as they don’t even feel present. Men who cannot have sex or get aroused without levels of porn to get them there. Marriages where sex just fizzles out – “we had kids”, “we got busy”, “he works lots”, “I’m so tired”…. “we had lots of sex early on but not now”.
We are holistic beings – body, mind and spirit. Our sexuality is part of us – an important part of us and like everything else in life and in our relationships – it needs to be nurtured, worked on.
If your relationship or if you are struggling in this area then there are some things that can help –
Get in touch with your sensuality (not your sexuality) your sensuality is “the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure. synonyms: sexiness, sexual attractiveness, voluptuousness, sultriness, seductiveness, passion; the condition of being pleasing or fulfilling to the senses.”life can dazzle with its sensuality, its colour”. (google search sensuality).
Sensuality can be connected to sex, it can lead to sex or it can be expressed in many other ways that can create intimacy – using our senses. Try engaging with your partner in this way – remember dating when all your senses were aware of the other person, when their hand touched yours and it was electric. If the bedroom is causing issues because it’s triggering trauma, it’s been so long you don’t know where to start, it isn’t a priority anymore then try and go back to dating, spending time together without the pressure of sex, spending time creating intimate moments that put love in the love bank. Have a massage together, give each other a massage without any expectations, skinny dip somewhere alone! Have a midnight picnic on your bed, go out and ‘meet’ at a cafe as if for the first time. Make time for each other – the kids, the family, and work are important, so are our leisure activities, volunteer and church commitments but our relationship with our significant other – our intimate connection is important as well.
Make a space (if you can) that is for the two of you only – a bedroom covered in kids toys, kids DVDs, chips in the bed and kids in the bed all the time makes it hard to connect. Remember the person you fell in love with, thinking about them so you couldn’t sleep, texting about nothing and everything till all hours of the morning. God made us body (physical / sensual / sexual), soul (who we are / personality / passions / friendship) and spirit (Connection) Enjoy who God made you to be and remember God created our sensuality and our sexuality – stay connected, be friends with your lover.
* If you are struggling with trauma, sexual dysfunction / issues, guilt / shame about your sexuality – see a doctor or therapist – this is not in place of those supports.
Blessings Skye x
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